


Breaking the Fourth Wall

by truc



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Extra Crack fic, Gen, He thinks the Author is a creep, He's just more discreet about the second part, Humour, Jason Todd has no patience, Jason Todd hijacks the Author's story, Jason Todd murders criminals and bad writers, Jason Todd trolls the Author, Literary References & Allusions, Literary critic Jason Todd, Meta-humour, OCC Author, The Author Regrets Everything, Verbal Fight, no surprise: Author loses, random short, the Author has enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24015748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truc/pseuds/truc
Summary: The Author just wants to write a nice Batfamily story about a boy learning to find his place in his home. Jason Todd keeps interrupting. That's it.Seriously, that's it.***Jason: "We're not that competitive!"Author: *... Mcdonald's in 2017; Bludhaven's police station in 2019...*Jason: "Hey, who told you about those incidents?"Author: *I know everything about you.*Jason looks disgusted. "You're a first-rate creep, aren't you?"
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Tim Drake & Damian Wayne & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Alfred Pennyworth, Jason Todd & author, No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	Breaking the Fourth Wall

**Author's Note:**

> I truthfully have no idea what this mess is. I even debated, more than once, whether I should post it. It's truly a random fic.

_One day, when the slightly humid snow laid thickly like a blanket over the land, Dick Grayson remembered Damian had never made a snowman-_

"Stop, you bigot asshole!"

*What?*

"It's a snowperson. Maybe it is a female; maybe it is a male; maybe it doesn't define itself in our bullshit binary nonsense. Don't impose your fucking values on them! Let them discover who they are!" Jason Todd admonishes.

Sigh. *Fine.*

_Damian had never made a snowperson. So, Dick conceived the idea of making his first venture into the snowperson's fun with a bang._

"Can't you choose, I don't know, any other number than one? That shows a very distinct lack of fucking imagination. Or is it part of the ruling Type A mentally pervading into our society?"

A deeper sigh. *Jason.*

"Still fucking here." The man has his arms defiantly crossed on his chest.

*Can you stop your backseat comments? I'm sure my readers want to know what happens with Damian, Dick and the snowperson project.*

Jason looks right, then left, with a frown.

*They'll come after I finish writing this fic.*

"That's some pretty confident assertion there," Jason snorts.

_Dick convinced all of his brothers and Bruce to participate._

"Can any of your fics pass the Bechdel test?" Jason comments, unimpressed with the author's writing.

*Uh?*

"Seriously, asshole, you have plenty of superb women models in this universe you could use: Batwoman, Catwoman, Batgirl, Spoiler, Orphan and Bluebird, to name a few. But, no, you'll only use boys and men like the patriarchy-driven, misogynist-loving jerk you are." Jason glares at the author.

*I write a lot of male on male fics?*

Jason gives an evil grin. "That's your fucking excuse? You're part of the fucking problem! Most pairings on this site are male/male slash fiction featuring white characters, sound familiar? You're mindlessly following a patriarchal, sexist and discriminatory trend, that's what you are doing. You're a fucking sheep."

*...*

_Although Dick explained multiple times the idea of building a snowm-_

"Bigot."

_snowperson, Damian couldn't understand it._

_"If it's not acting as a decoy, what's the purpose of building it?" the boy asked._

_"Fun, mostly," Dick tried._

_Tim rolled his eyes in the background and muttered: "Freezing isn't fun."_

_"Gotta dress warmly. You'll see, Damian, it's a lot of fun," Dick stated._

_"Dickhead is wrong," Jason stated, "regular snowperson fabricating is tedious. But we can raise the ante. The person who builts the biggest snowperson wins."_

_Tim's eyes gleamed mischievously. "I accept."_

"Why are you always describing eyes? There are a lot more physical cues you can get about someone's intention. Angling feet is one of the best ones. Eyes are a very cultural interpretation of someone's mental state," Jason interrupts again.

*Jason? Shut up.*

"Well, make me."

Author focuses on ice cream, its unctuosity and the way it melted in someone's mouth.

Instead of disappearing Jason, a cone appears in his hand. He promptly licks it and grimaces. "Vanilla?!? Pistachio's the best flavour, but anything is better than this bland taste."

Sigh.

_It quickly devolved into a fierce competition where each recruited friends, allies and (in Damian's case) acquaintances._

"We're not that competitive!"

*... Mcdonald's in 2017; Bludhaven's police station in 2019...*

"Hey, who told you about those incidents?"

*I know everything about you.*

Jason looks disgusted. "You're a first-rate creep, aren't you?"

_Speedsters, magicians, strong people and geniuses: they were all invited to create snowpeople instead of saving the world. It was a nice change, most of them thought, to be called by the Bats for something trivial._

_How wrong were they!_

_For the Bats, nothing was so important as the most trivial matters, especially when the only stakes were fun and pride._

"Like brushing your teeth?" Jason remarks, slighted eyebrow. "There you go, exaggerating again at the drop of a hat."

*You think that brushing your teeth is fun?*

"Are you judging me _again_?"

Author averts their eyes and mumbles under their breath. *I wouldn't dare.*

"Everyone's so judgemental of me. I bet that's because you're all jealous of this." Jason beats his palm against his chest, a smile curling up his face.

Author opens mouth, hesitates and continues to write their story.

_The battle went on for hours; they used tons of snow, perplexed hundreds of citizens; they made photo-worthy attractions; at the end of the day, everyone was exhausted._

"Not historically accurate," Jason comments as he finishes swallowing his ice cream. "You tend to exaggerate to hide your distinct lack of writing acumen or planning. Seriously, do you ever write plans? That's basic 101 writing skills."

_At the end of the day, almost everyone was exhausted. Jason, the troublemaker that he was, had more energy than any reasonable dead man should ever have._

"Did I strike a nerve?" Jason gives a shit-eating smile.

_He threw cayenne in Alfred's dishes and rubbed his dirty boots on Alfred's favourite carpet._

"Hey!"

_He then hugged Bruce and told him he loved him._

Author could feel dread crawl up their spine and knew they had gone too far.

Jason says, very seriously, "For defamation of character, I'll track you down and kill you. But not before I thoroughly torture you."

*You're a fictional character; you can't do anything to me.*

Jason tilted his head. "Didn't stop me from murdering a few other writers of 'heart attacks.' Wanna see how I do it?" He cracks his knuckles. "It's very simple. I make myself feel so real that you can't make me disappear. At that point, you can't escape your death."

Author panics, sweat dripping from their forehead. *I can erase the last few sentences?*

"Too little, too late. You're dead already, you just don't know it yet."

*I've got kids and spouses! And a turtle named Carlos!*

Jason flashes his teeth. "That's all lies, you pathetic excuse for a human being. What you did was a crime, not only to my character but to the literary world. I'm a mission to clean up this world from bad writers. Don't worry; your death will improve the literary landscape."

*Please! I've got tons of ideas I didn't get to write!*

"It's better this way."

No shot is fired that day. Jason simply disappears amid Author's disorganized mind.

Some days, Author gets goosebumps and they remember their encounter with Jason Todd. Maybe, he really was only a figment of their imagination.

However, their gut feeling, the one who's always right, tells them it was all real and they are waiting for the other shoe to drop; that the unbearable suspense is Jason's idea of torture (ingenious, really, they can't help admire).

They have joined all the "Is Jason Todd killing people in real life?" obscure blogs or channels. They even man a few of them, making just enough money on their terror to keep living.

Learning to live in the fear of one's fictional character is hard, but Author believes they are up to the task.

One day, (if Jason doesn't kill them beforehand) they'll even write a cheesy Jason Todd/Bruce Wayne romance to avenge themselves.

And that thought keeps them going each day.


End file.
